Internet, at last!

(Some of my friends on Instagram said I should put our home renovations on my blog, and I think that's a great idea. It will be fun to look back and see progress & how I was feeling at the time.)

After the house we originally wanted fell through, we were pretty bummed. None of the houses we'd seen really did much for us, until the Big Pretty Yellow One. I had actually seen it online, but passed right by it because the inside was horrid looking. I saw an ugly, dated kitchen and green, dirty carpet and I was outta there. But our realtor knew our style, and the fact that we liked the charms & quirks old homes offered that newer ones couldn't, so she took us to the BPYO "just to see." 

 It was a 1911 Victorian. We immediately fell in love. For some reason, we were able to see past all the old-lady decorations and carpets, fixtures, & entire rooms that clearly hadn't been updated since the 1970's. We were able to see the beauty in its bones, and what a masterpiece it could be. We also felt it's inner spirit, which sounds weird, but you'd be surprised at the feelings you get when you enter a house. In many homes we toured, we got an unsettled feeling, like something just wasn't right. It's not something you can put your finger on, just the faintest stirring in your gut. In the BPYO, we felt at ease immediately. (Even though there were crucifixes hanging in the basement, the back door has 6 (SIX!) locks on it, and the neighbor said the old woman living here heard noises in the basement...) If it is haunted, the spirit is either benevolent or has chosen not to make itself apparent to me...yet.

We got it appraised, had a home inspection, and thought we'd be able to move in right away. (Silly first-time home buyers.) It took about a month, but on February 28th we closed on it & were home owners! The first thing we did within being in our new home for an hour, was tear up the carpets...they were just so foul. The hardwood floors underneath are in great condition, surprisingly, but we're still hiring a company to come refinish them. Friday, the moving van was dropped off and I was fearful at the thought of unloading everything by ourselves. (Remember, we had the entire Willey clan helping us load it at Fort Leonard Wood.) Zack sent out an email to some guys in his unit bribing them with alcohol, pizza, & a poker night if they came to help unload. Fortunately, people did actually show up and they all got the truck unloaded in under two hours. Amazing. Even if they did come solely for the free beer, I am so grateful!

 

The butler's pantry sink came in handy during our move-in party!

 The past week & a half has been full of unpacking, ripping up carpet, painting, priming, & cleaning like an absolute psychopath. I am kind of a neat/clean freak anyway, but when you've got a house this old that was lived in by a 99 year old woman...you have to do the type of cleaning you'd never imagine. (I am not proud of the things I have seen and done in the past few days...including lying on my back on the bathroom floor scrubbing the underside of a toilet.) The most hilarious part? I've only gotten 1/4 of it clean. HAHA. There's so much woodwork throughout the entire house, I don't think my bottle of Murphy's Oil is big enough, truly.  

Zack prefers to work shirtless...I don't hate it.

The floors are being refinished the next two weeks, so we figured painting before the floors are nice & pretty was wise. This past weekend was supposed to have been one big painting party, but Zack had staff duty Friday night so that set us back. Plus, we're really good at procrastinating. We did get part of one fireplace painted (btw- painting brick is one of the worst things in the world), our dining room primed & spackled (we did a major no-no & painted over the existing wallpaper...but only because there were at least 3 layers of super old wallpaper & the walls were probably damaged underneath), a kitchen table painted, & my lady cave/office painted. So not a total loss, just not as ambitious as we had hoped.

The walls & floors are immediate "must-do's", but we hope to have the kitchen & bathrooms completely redone by the end of the summer. I wish we had millions of dollars so we could get the kitchen taken care of right away, because for me it's the biggest eye sore in the house. And, sadly, where I spend a lot of my time. But good things come to those who wait, right? 

Now, for some before pictures!

The front doors

The "sitting room" (We have yet to decide what we're doing with this room exactly..)

Entryway

Living room (Recently discovered that our sectional doesn't fit! Wahhh)

Dining Room 

 Butler's pantry...one of my favorite quirks about the house! It connects the dining room & kitchen and was used for food prep, dish washing, & storage. I love it.

The ugliest room in the house...the kitchen. There's so much wrong I can't even. 

I mean, really. What is this ceiling?

 Door leading into the laundry room/mud room and then onto the back deck

 

Back deck (The sellers left that old patio furniture. Bleh.)

Back of the house

1/2 bathroom downstairs...it's smaller than the closest in this house, and that's saying something. You have to sit side-saddle on the toilet. No joke.

Stairway- under the stairs there's a large closet that's great for storage.

 

That carpet & those drapes...sexy.

 

Upstairs hallway connecting all of the rooms. That built in storage thing is amazing, because most of the houses up here are similar to Europe in the closet situation...aka there aren't any or they're tiny.

Zack's man-cave...he is so excited he gets one of these again!

My office/lady-cave

The little sitting room off of "my" room...I love it! I can just see us sitting out here with a glass of wine in the evenings.

Guest bedroom

Upstairs bathroom...another thing of beauty. -__-

The master bedroom...the fact that there's a fireplace in it was a major selling point for me..

 MY closet. (Sadly, until we can knock some walls out & make a larger closet, Zack's clothing has been banished to the closet in his man-room.)

 The wallpaper is velvet. We fancy, huh?

You can't tell from this picture, but the attic is HUGE. We said if we were living here indefinitely/this was our home for life, we'd refinish the attic into a massive master suite. How incredible would that be?! Alas, the Army probably won't go for us staying at Fort Drum the remainder of Zack's career.

Hopefully I will have some pretty "after" pictures up at some point in the next 3 years. ;) I've definitely shed a few tears the past few weeks from pure frustration. There's a lot of work to be done, and it's frustrating not being able to get the house settled the way I want right away. But it's like eating an elephant- one bite at a time. (Thanks Daddy ;)) It's beginning to feel more & more like home each day, but still not completely. We're getting there, though.

Housewarming gift from one of the realtors

  

Sweet note from the sellers

More housewarming goodies- thank you Chris, for the flowers & gift basket!

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain, and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."

Life has kept going, as I knew it would. 

The sun still comes up, cars still drive by, people still laugh. I still laugh. Life has dealt us some pretty messed-up hands the past month- losing the original house we really wanted, losing our first baby, living out of suitcases for 2 months, & possible issues now with the house we're in love with & under contract to buy. But life? I still love you so much. 

I have so much to be thankful for, and I am especially thankful right now of all the support, love, & outreach provided by our friends, family, & some nearly strangers the past month. I was hesitant to put my heartbreak out into the virtual world, but I figured it was already floating out in the universe, so why not let others know it was there? I was humbled by the amount of love I received, and I honestly felt like I was wrapped in a blanket of warm hugs by all our loved ones, a blanket that shielded me on particularly dark days and reminded me that at the core of it, life is good. To the ladies who sent me personal messages of similar losses, I can't thank you enough. It hurts to know I have friends who have seen this sort of heartache, but it's also strangely comforting to know I am not alone. I look at those women who have been through it, and I see that life does keep going- sometimes even better than the original plans we had laid out. 

Life is a little bit different now, but still beautiful. And I am so, so grateful just to be alive and to get to experience the entire symphony of emotions that I have the past month. I think one day I will look back on my life, and very much love the sound it made. 

 

 

On my 26^th birthday I had a miscarriage. It was Martin Luther King Jr. day, and I had a dream. 

I had a dream- a precious, close-to-my-heart, long-time dream. And now that dream was dying, quite literally, with each painful surge of cramps & blood.

Zack & I did everything right. We had known each other forever, we were in love, we got married, and we made the conscious decision to wait a few years before having children. We wanted to be married for a while, just the two of us, so we could learn every facet of each other’s souls, travel, live out our dreams, & just be selfish with our love so that when we were ready for children, we would be the best possible parents. We eat (mostly) healthy, we exercise regularly, and we take vitamins (I’ve actually been taking a prenatal vitamin for a year & a half now because I heard it makes your hair grow.) We have our stuff together, we’re educated, we take care of ourselves, we treat others with kindness & compassion, we do our best to contribute positively to this world, we laugh, we live life to the fullest, and most importantly we love each other so much it doesn’t seem real at times. We are doing everything right. 

We did everything right, yet everything went wrong. 

Everything began to go wrong in the bathroom of a CiCi’s Pizza. (I knew that place was trouble.) We’d just finished a mediocre lunch of mushy pizza, and thanks to my six glasses of water, I wanted to use the bathroom before we left. While in the bathroom, I noticed some spotting. It was brown. I became alarmed, but tried to not go into full-fledged panic mode because I’d read that a lot of times brown or pink spotting is fairly normal in early pregnancy. As the day progressed, the spotting turned pink, and then light red, and by that evening, a shocking, final red.  I knew what was happening. 

I can’t remember the last time I saw Zack cry like that, if ever. We sat on the itchy bedspread of the Ft. Drum Inn, holding each other, and sobbed. I didn’t think we would ever stop. Our faces were so wet. We tried kissing the hurt away, but it just made it worse- knowing something that our love had made wasn’t good enough. The next day, my birthday, the doctor confirmed what I already knew. Happy birthday dear Liza, happy birthday to you. 

My precious Zack tried so desperately to make my 26^th birthday happy. I woke up to a gift of Naked juices, salt & vinegar chips (my favorites), and two homemade gift certificates for camera equipment & a day of shopping. He had even typed out a “birthday girl itinerary” for the day, full of all my favorite things. I couldn’t read the card he had written for me, the tears were spilling out faster than I could wipe them. I wasn’t sure what I was crying for- the fact that I married such a sweet man, or the fact that a little baby wasn’t going to know how very special their daddy is. He would be the best father. 

We drove to Syracuse late that morning for shopping. I was in so much pain, both physically and emotionally, but the prospect of sitting in a dim hotel room crying all day was too much. I walked around Forever 21 listlessly; I noticed nothing in H&M except the children’s section. “I’M HAVING A MISCARRIAGE,” I silently screamed at everyone I passed. “LIKE. RIGHT NOW. MY  BODY IS ABORTING MY BABY.” They politely smiled back. So did I. 

People have told me this doesn’t mean I won’t be able to have another baby, and that a lot of first pregnancies end in miscarriage, whether or not the mother is even aware. That doesn’t matter to me, I am still terrified. I cannot imagine going through this again. This kind of hurt does something to you- it subtly morphs your soul into a new shape. I am trying to think positively, trying to find the good in the situation. I take comfort in knowing this was part of natural selection, and that there was clearly something very wrong with that baby- it wasn’t made for this world. I also take comfort in trusting God has this all figured out, even though I’m blind to the reason for this at the current moment. I like to believe that sweet little formation of cells was looking out for its (hopefully) healthy brothers & sisters to follow, sort of doing a little recon, you know? Clearing the way. “Okay y’all, it’s all ready!” That makes me smile. 

But I have a lot of anger in me, too. I have immense anger for the dependapotamus lurching down the aisles of the PX with her little dependents in tow, screaming obscenities at them. I have anger for all the unmarried couples I see on Facebook having babies. I have anger for my social media friends who feel the need to post 92 pictures a day of their child. I have anger for the couples who conceive within a few months of being married- don’t you guys want some “just the two of you” time? I have anger for the mom with 5 kids- come on now, you’re just being greedy. I have anger for Teen Mom, for diaper commercials, and the baby next door who cries a lot, but even worse, giggles more. 

I know where that anger is coming from. It’s coming from the deep, seemingly bottomless well of sorrow I have building up inside of me. And that anger can rage all it likes, spew hurtful comments under my breath, and shoot death glares at all the cute little mommies with their cute little bundles of joy shopping in the commissary- but the sad truth is that that anger comes from heartbreak. And anything born of heartache is going to eventually return to its original state. I guess that’s why after scoffing at the brood of snotty-nosed children running rampant in the parking lot and congratulating myself on being able to get in & out of a car without having to bother with an annoying car seat, I feel the familiar tears settle in their familiar tracks down my cheeks. They know the route well. 

The entire situation is heartbreaking, and I do mean that in an almost literal way. Your heart just feels like its cracked open and is spilling out onto the floor. Why even attempt to pick it up? It will never be the same. But one of the most heartbreaking aspects, for me, has been how alone I feel. Out of all the hundreds, maybe thousands, of people I know…I know of two who have had miscarriages. Two. Am I really so unfortunate, that I am the 1 out of x-x-x number statistic that has had a miscarriage? This is 2013, why is this such a taboo topic? I know it’s not something anyone probably wants to chat about over coffee & biscotti, but it’s real, it’s happening, and we need to. I need to, anyway. Most people keep this kind of thing under wraps, as if keeping it hidden is going to make it hurt any less. It feels strange to open myself up like this, making both Zack & myself vulnerable. But it's liberating, too. What's the point of hiding this awful secret? Keeping it hidden hurts, and telling people hurts. It's a lose-lose situation. I know most people present only the rosiest sides of their life online, but I can't type some inane answer to Facebook's "What's going on, Liza?" This is what's going on, and I'm sorry that it is really sad and that I am really sad, but I can't pretend otherwise. 

I like to think each day is better than the one before it, but it is not that consistent. One day I may laugh and play and curl my hair, but the next day I am bedridden, the crushing weight of grief holding me prisoner under the covers. Does it ever get better? If I am fortunate enough to get to experience pregnancy again, it will be marred by this and I am so fearful that I will live those nine months in constant worry and anxiety. Constant, debilitating trepidation that another dream, another life, will slip so easily through my fingers. I know all too well that it doesn't matter how tightly you hold on. Some dreams were meant to be just that. 

                                                                              ---

What happens to a dream deferred? 

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

2 0 1 2

In reflecting upon 2012, I absolutely believe it was one of the greatest years of my life. It was filled with quite a bit of change, but also so many beautiful moments. Moments I try to hoard away in a special compartment of myself, but there are so many of them that they just come spilling out, lighting the whole room and making me smile at the thought of each & every one of them.

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In January, I spent New Year's Eve back in North Carolina with my family and shared a tender NYE's kiss via Skype with Zack. I also got to spend my 25th birthday (the last "cool" birthday before the big 3-0) in North Carolina as well.

It was also in January when I made the resolution to become more serious about my photography, and to devote myself fully to learning the craft that I love so much. 

In February, I flew back to Germany. We threw Gretchen & Josh a baby shower for baby Jax....who turned out to be baby Rylie. Oops. :)

February also happened to be my most favorite month of 2012. Because late on a snowy Valentine's day, my husband came home after one year in Afghanistan. I remember every second of that night like it was yesterday. It was probably the single most beautiful moment of my life to date.

 

February was also the month of our fast & furious UK weekends- one in London with our best friends Jamick and the other in Edinburgh. Fell so hard for both cities.

In March, we went to Latvia (a rather odd place that I would advise visiting only if you were near death by boredom), said a tearful goodbye to the Rud family (not knowing we were going to be seeing them in a few short months!) and visited Malta (gorgeous.)

 

April was another month chock-full of delicious travels. Prague, Cologne, Berlin, Dresden, and Beelitz. Whew. Definitely some of my favorite cities, and most favorite trips while in Europe. I also punked Zack in my greatest April's Fool prank. TROLOLOLOLOL. April was also the month we found out we were for sure leaving Germany 7 months earlier than our original PCS date.

 

May included a visit to the Keukenhof Tulip Gardens in Holland with Jamick. It may or may not be the most gorgeous place on Earth. We also took a few day-trips into France, went to Antwerp for a weekend, and took a Rhine River cruise and saw more castles than a person should ever hope to see.

June might possibly have been my 2nd favorite month of 2012. We squeezed in all of our last minute travels- Lagos, Portugal (!), Venice & Verona (swoon), and Interlaken, Switzerland (omg.)

 

 

 

 

June was also the month we said goodbye to Germany for good (or, well, for a very long time.) It was so bittersweet, but in all honesty I think we were ready to get back stateside. We took full advantage of our two and a half years there, and I have no regrets- only the sweetest and most entertaining memories from all of our travels, and the amazing group of friends I formed. (B6 for life!)

July included a trip back to North Carolina and a week at the beach with my family, 4th of July in Kansas with Zack's family, moving to Fort Leonard Wood, and getting to meet the newest Rud- Rylie Jo.

August saw us settling into life in Missouri (thinking we were going to be there for a full year, only to learn later that we would be moving again in December.) My aunt Sheree also got married in August, and I am so happy she is getting the love she has always deserved. I think we threw in a few trips to St. Louis, too. Oh, and a random trip to Nashville to see some good friends, that happened. (I'm telling you- sometimes that wanderlust itch just creeps up on you & doesn't let up until you get in the car and make something happen.) I also deleted Facebook in a fit of rage, and was able to remain clean for nearly four months. As silly as it sounds, it truly was healthy and I was insanely more productive in my time off. (I am happy to report, I barely check Facebook anymore and no longer feel its sick pull to look at it compulsively every 10 minutes.)

In September, Jamie came up from Oklahoma to visit for a weekend to meet the RyPie. We celebrated Zack's 26th birthday, Zack's dad's 50th birthday, and my mommy's 50th birthday in September as well. At the end of the month, my parents flew to St. Louis to have a belated birthday weekend! September was a big month for me, because it was on a random weekday that I declared loudly to an empty room- "I am starting a photography business." I had dreamed of it for too long, and each day that slipped by was one more day spent fearing the unknown and failure that hadn't even happened. I quietly put my advertisements out to the Leonard Wood community, and was blown away by the response received. It gave me the confidence to realize I was right in pursing my dream, and to push forward- getting better with each passing day. I am by no means where I want to be professionally, but I can look back fondly on that first shoot and already see progress, so it's exciting to think where I might be one year from now.

 

October brought the cool weather, Halloween, & finding out our next duty station- where we'd be calling home for the next three (possibly four or five depending on the command que) years. Fort Drum, NY! I had a momentary freak-out, not because it was Ft. Drum, but because it wasn't Ft. Bragg. But I quickly adjusted my attitude, bought a parka, & got pumped for a whole lotta snow. (And it's funny...now I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. I don't know when I am going to realize that God has got this thing called my life under control...) 

In November, we got to celebrate Thanksgiving with Zack's family and visited Jamick at Ft. Sill . It was also the month I had this epiphany. (Excited to say I now have some concrete ideas of the small things I can do to make this world the tinniest bit brighter.)

December was the busiest, and fullest, month of them all. Zack was promoted to Captain and graduated career course, we spent a fun-filled weekend in Chicago, enjoyed Christmas in Kansas with the Willey's, packed all of our things (AGAIN) for our partial DITY move, & made a surprise visit to North Carolina where we rang in the new year.

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2012 was a year of change, for certain. But with change, comes growth, and grow we did. We grew as a couple in ways I never could have imagined when Zack returned from the deployment, we grew in knowledge as we traveled to so many new places, and we grew as a family and gave serious consideration to the future. I grew professionally and personally- and sometimes those growing pains hurt, but I'm here, I'm stronger, and more sure than ever of the path I'm taking. I am thrilled to be starting 2013 off with a fresh start, in a new place that I am loving more with each passing day.

2013, you've got some mighty big shoes to fill. Hope you're up to the challenge. :)