"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days."

- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar 

 

today

I woke up this morning immediately realizing the date and feeling sorrowful in ways you can't really express. I was drinking my morning coffee with Zack at the breakfast table when I felt the tears well up in my eyes. I tried biting the inside of my mouth to stop them as I looked out the window, hoping Zack wouldn't see my glistening eyes. It's not that I'm afraid to cry in front of my husband (goodness knows that's not the case), it's just- I had no idea where this sudden onset of emotion came from. I was as confused by it as anyone, and I didn't want to try to explain something that I didn't fully understand myself. In any case, Zack immediately noticed my pale face and quivering lip and softly said, "hey...what's wrong?" You know when you're fighting tears and you'd probably be able to suppress them- but then someone gives you a kind glance or a warm touch and you just lose it like you've never lost it before? That happened. He wrapped me up in a tight hug and asked me again- "what is wrong?" All I could manage to get out was, "I'm...sad." 

"I'm sad." What a small phrase for emotions- for a day- so big. It barely seems appropriate to simply say, "I am sad." But I am- I am so deeply sad for so much, for so many today. 

Every single person I know remembers that day- how can we not? It ripped itself into America's history book, leaving a deep, smoldering mark across the pages and chapters for years to come. It's been 11 years and the wound still aches for us- maybe not the searing pain we felt in the cold months of 2001, but it's a quiet ache that I don't think will ever go away.

I was wearing pale blue corduroy pants with a white t shirt that had a pink eagle on it and said "All-American girl." I walked into my science classroom and immediately knew something was not right. The TV was on, and my teacher- Mr. Bryant- was frantically pushing buttons on his cell phone in the hallway. (I later learned he had a daughter at NYU, hence his panic.) Normally without a teacher present in the classroom, we would take full advantage to act like heathens. This day was different. Even though we didn't really know, we knew the world was changing- something horrible was happening. We sat in silence watching the second plane hit. I remember being so cold. I couldn't stop shaking. 

We moved to our next period, and then the school put us on lock-down. We lived in an Air Force base town, and waves of unfounded rumors rippled through the hallways that we would probably be targeted by the terrorists. Terrorists? I tried that word in my mouth, saying it a few times, letting the three syllables roll over my tongue. It was a somewhat foreign word to me, to a lot of the American youth. Terrorist. I still don't like feeling the word in my mouth, but it's no longer a stranger. 

My mommy took me out of school early that day. I still don't know if she was worried for my safety or just wanted to hug me tightly. My parents always did an amazing job of letting me and my brothers know how much we were cherished, but that day in particular I remember so much love flowing through our home.

As the days wore on, we began to resume our everyday lives. The images of planes hitting buildings and people leaping from windows no longer consumed my morbid thoughts and eventually people stopped wearing American flag t-shirts and being overly nice to each other. But the day still haunts us- 11 years later, and it is still a dull throb.


There really was no point to this post- I have no clever words or nice tidy way to wrap this post up. I just wanted to say that on this day, I am sad. Tomorrow I will be happy, but today my heart hurts. 

our timeline

August 1998- We met & became friends quickly. I've always been able to read people, and sense a person's heart. He had a good one.

May 2005- Had our first kiss at our high school graduation party. I accidentally rolled down a hill afterwards because I was so excited. We spent the night in the back of his pickup truck in a field in the middle of Georgia. When I woke up the next morning, I had a feeling the world would look different from that moment on. It did. It does.

June 2005- He came to visit me in North Carolina before he left for Beast at West Point. We sat on my roof at night and he had electric blue hair. I fell so hard.

March 2006- Officially became "boyfriend/girlfriend" even though we had been "talking" for almost a full year, and I had accumulated a box brimming with love letters postmarked from New York. 

April 2007- We broke up. It was a Sunday afternoon and I had just returned from the gym. I was an RA at my college and was chattering on the phone to him about something that had happened in my dorm earlier that day. He stopped me and quietly said, "We need to talk." I don't really remember the next few weeks, that kind of hurt does a number on your senses, on your spatial awareness, on your whole universe.

January 2008- He & a friend came to visit me at college. I had a boyfriend at the time, so nothing emerged between us, but it was there. Oh it was always there- I just had enough dates, enough nice guys, & enough frozen margaritas to keep me laughing so I wouldn't turn around and catch it staring me in the face. 

27 December 2009- He was flying into NC to attend a friend's wedding, so I picked him up from the Greensboro airport. I was wearing my Hollister work attire- skinny dark jeans & a navy sweater that I kept tugging at nervously. I saw him come down the elevator in jeans, a white thermal shirt, and a UGA baseball cap and my heart went straight to my throat. I had not prepared for this. We ate dinner at an Applebee's and both of our hearts seemed to have forgotten the last 2 and a half years. This was not the plan.

31 December 2009- On 2 hours of sleep, I drove him halfway to Atlanta. We joked nervously in the car about me moving to Germany with him. I dropped him off at a Waffle House, expecting to never see him again. I could hardly read the text message he sent me, for all the tears blurring my eyes. "I can't even eat my eggs. All I can think of is you." 

22 January 2010- Again, he flew to NC. Again, my heart leaped to my throat, this time in the Guilford County courthouse. I was in jeans and fake pearls, he was wearing khakis and the most genuine smile I've ever seen. We had matching gold bands, and the world couldn't touch us. We were married. It was the craziest, yet most sound decision I have ever made. 

2 May 2010- I moved to Germany to be with him. He gave me a rose at the Frankfurt Airport and from that moment on, I was enamored with him and Europe. We joke that we had a two-year European honeymoon. I guess we really did.

31 December 2010- We had our "real" wedding for all of our family & friends. It was wonderful having everyone together for such a special New Year's Eve, but it didn't come close to that blustery January day when he & I stood in an empty courtroom, shaking & crying & saying yes a million times over. 

22 February 2011- He deployed to Afghanistan and I thought my eyes would never dry. I've never ached so physically for another person. But we became much stronger, both as a couple and as individuals.

14 February 2012- He came home. Still the same sweet and sincere Zack that left one year prior. I didn't take my eyes off of him for days. 

Present- Living in the middle of Missouri, trying to figure out the future, and still looking forward to forehead kisses in the morning & the sound of his truck coming home.