wonderings & wanderings

I am selfish. Not in the overt, "MEMEME" way, but a more subtle, quiet kind of selfish. The kind that others would never pick up on, but the kind that makes me slightly uncomfortable to be sitting in my own skin. The kind that I decided to face head-on one random Tuesday afternoon. 

My world revolves entirely around me, Zack, and my loved ones. Basically every thought & action I have in some way is related to myself, my husband who I'm probably too obsessed with, & my family or close friends. I'm not a bad person, I'd even go so far as to say I'm a good person. And sure I have a great deal of empathy for others- I frequently cry when reading sad news articles, donate my old clothes to Goodwill, or give a couple bucks to a homeless man. But after a few brief moments of absolute sadness for another human being, I seamlessly resume my charmed little life, and that moment of connection with someone whose life is a lot less rosy than mine, is lost in the air.

Since moving from Germany (which was 2.5 years of nothing but selfish desires- "I'm sure there are starving people out there, but I'm in Italy so you can bet your life I'm gonna get a third scoop of gelato." Not saying anything is wrong with that, there's a time & place for everything, and I knew that lifestyle wasn't forever, so I took full advantage.) I have done little more than pass my time with what I, or Zack, wanted. I fixed up our new home, we traveled around the Midwest, I did almost every single crafty thing found on Pinterest, I delved into photography, and I floated around in my perfect bubble of a life.

For the past few months, I have had the tinniest feeling that seemed to pull on my shirttail and sometimes kept me awake for a few moments longer at night. At first I didn't know what it was. Was I bored? Did I need to find a job? Did we need to have a baby? What was this strange little pull on my heart? My puzzlement continued until one day I was walking down our hallway and it hit me dead in the face- no more messing around- it meant business & wasn't going to leave until I had heard it out. 

You need to be more giving. Stop thinking entirely of yourself & the small circle of people around you, and open up your eyes. This world is a very big place, and there is a lot of sadness and hurt in it. However small, you have the power to take away at least a tiny bit of that heartache. Start now. 

I didn't know where to begin. Because we're moving in a few weeks, I knew I didn't want to get involved in a volunteer organization. Then my mind went to the holidays that are quickly approaching. Of course there are a number of things I would love to have for Christmas (new computer, new camera, new lenses, new boots, blahblahblah) but do I truly need any of that right at this moment? Was it going to make me any happier to wake up on Christmas morning and see any of those things underneath the tree? Was my heart going to be any fuller, or my days any brighter, because of the material objects I want? Probably not. So what then? What to do? I haven't decided. What Zack & I have decided to do is use the money we'd spend on gifts for each other, and put it towards helping someone who needs it more. What exactly that means, we're not sure, but I trust that the answer will be placed on our hearts. I hope that original feeling of discontentment can manifest into something great, something changing in my very nature. Whether it's through using my hands, our money, my writing or photography- I hope I can find something inside of me that is of use to the world, to people that need it.

I struggled with even posting this. I'm not writing this because I want anyone who reads this to think, "Oh wow, what a selfless act. She must be a really good person." I am writing this because I have been inspired by others' blogs that feature altruistic acts, and if even one single person is inspired by mine, then that's a good thing.

I am still going to Instagram too much, still going to buy that infinity scarf I want, and still lament over the fact that my hips will never fit into a size zero. I'll still drink good red wine, and still meticulously inspect my split ends and chipped sparkle nail polish. Only now, those things are going to take up only a small space in my life, as they should. The world is too vast, too troubled to let anything more reign over your heart. God, luck, the Universe and fate have been on my side my whole life. What an injustice if I didn't take some of that gold and help others see the beauty that is simply being alive. 

"It is not only for what we do that we are held responsible, but also for what we do not do."

-Moliere